Saturday, April 28, 2012

Bad Days

It's been almost a week since I've written here. I'm having a VERY hard time physically. I'm feeling so sick and exhausted all the time. I manage to get out of the house and do one-two things and then I get back in my jammies and lay in bed the rest of the day. Most of the time the one thing I do is a doctor's appointment. In fact, I've got two on Monday, a procedure on Tuesday (not major) and then a different doctor on Wednesday. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I also want to find a pain management doctor. The fact that I'm willing to look for that kind of doctor speaks volumes.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 (my new code for my housemates) seem to always be at each other's throats. They have different styles of communicating and neither one of them seems willing to learn how to effectively communicate with the other one. I'm tired and fed up with both of them trying to convince me to be on "their side." Sometimes I want to sit the both of them down like one would their fighting children. Both are physically older than me yet sometimes I think I'm the only mature adult here.

A dear friend passed away today (4/28). He, along with his wife, would pet-sit Peanut Butter for me whenever I went out of town or was in the hospital. He called Peanut Butter a "little critter," never could remember that he's a boy guinea pig and would give him carrots as big as Peanut Butter is! He also looked at me like a daughter. Don had a daughter diagnosed with BiPolar disorder who committed suicide. I have my own psych stuff and it was almost like Don saw me as a "second chance" to be supportive, understanding and encouraging. He had been sick and I knew he was slowly slipping away. I know that it's only his physical "self" that is gone; his spirit lives on. I will miss his physical presence and I know that I can also talk to him anytime I want to.

Grief isn't easy. I'm grieving my health and my friend. I'm learning tolerance and patience with myself and with the people around me. I am really trying to look at this as a growth opportunity while giving myself the space to be angry and sad and whatever other emotions come up. I'm not really feeling tolerant of other people right now. I guess I'm isolating myself in some ways. I think that it's healthy to a point. I don't want to take my irritability out on those around me. At the same time I don't want to be alone. This is where my man comes in. I love being around him. He's fairly drama-free, he lets me be vent and/or cry and then he says something to crack me up and keep me in reality so to speak. I love that man so much!

No recipes to share. Tomorrow is weigh-in day. No matter what I'm going to be ok. No matter what.

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